The All Blacks have taken a little detour on their path to rugby domination, and it happened at the Rugby World Cup 2023 opening match in France. 

Those baguette-loving Frenchies handed the All Blacks a defeat that stings like a bee on a honey hunt. In fact, it was their first World Cup pool match defeat and their biggest-ever World Cup defeat all in one. 

It went down at Stade de Paris - where the weather was as hot as a summer BBQ and the players were in full sweat - in front of 80,000 screaming French fans. 

But let’s not dwell on this too much; Kiwis are known for their resilience, and we’ve got more excuses than a possum in a vegetable garden. 

Injuries to key players 

It’s hard to win any matches without your best players. 

All Blacks are dejected after Will Jordan’s yellow card in France. Photo / Photosport 

Our skipper, Sam Cane, had to bow out before the game with back spasms, and with Jordie Barrett, Shannon Frizell, and Tyrel Lomax also nursing injuries, we were practically patching together the team with duct tape. 

But in all seriousness, we missed Cane’s bone-crushing tackles and his ability to rake the ball out of the opposition’s hands at the breakdown. 

It’s only pool play 

Losing a pool match for the All Blacks is like losing a sock in the laundry, you know it’ll turn up eventually. 

Who cares about this game anyway? The All Blacks will no doubt find their way to the quarter-finals, it’s just a matter of who they play which is likely to be either South Africa or Ireland and maybe Scotland. 

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Besides, out of seven World Cup matches against the French, the All Blacks have lost only three - including this one. But hey, they’ve never lost to them in a final so there’s that. 

The bounce back 

The All Blacks have a reputation for bouncing back like a rubber ball. Typically, it’s lose one, win the next and by a big margin. That said, since 2020 the All Blacks have been about as consistent as Wellington’s weather in the spring. 

Between 2011 and 2020, the All Blacks never lost two in a row but since then, it’s like waiting for a bus - you don’t see one for ages and then suddenly you’ve got two in a row. 

Blame the whistle 

Let’s not forget the age-old tradition of blaming the ref. 

Jaco Peyer had a pretty good game to be fair and let the teams play as much as possible but there were a few moments when penalties went AWOL when they shouldn’t have. 

Keep the faith 

As the great philosopher, Rocky once said: “It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!” 

Smooth roads never make good drivers and the odd bump on the way to World Cup victory can’t do the All Blacks too much harm. 

So keep the faith, slap another snag on the BBQ, crack a cold one and before you know it the All Blacks will find their feet. But while they lick their wounds, it’s the Warriors’ time to shine and they will need all the support they can get going up against defending premiers Penrith tonight. 

Up the Wahs! 

The article playfully employs satire to dissect the All Blacks’ unexpected defeat and the array of excuses, offering a lighthearted take on the rugby disappointment. 

Luke Kirkness is an Online Sports Editor for the NZ Herald. He previously covered consumer affairs for the Herald and was an assistant news director in the Bay of Plenty. He won Student Journalist of the Year in 2019.