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Millie Holmes on escaping abusive ex: 'I'm still in shock'

NZ Herald,
Publish Date
Tue, 10 Sep 2019, 2:14PM

Millie Holmes on escaping abusive ex: 'I'm still in shock'

NZ Herald,
Publish Date
Tue, 10 Sep 2019, 2:14PM

Millie Holmes says she's been indulging in self-destructive behaviours after the break-up of her violent relationship and the death of her beloved dog.

However, in her latest video update, she adds that it's not the "shittiest situation that I've ever been through" and says that she'll be okay.

The 31-year-old revealed at the weekend that she had been suffering at the hands of her latest boyfriend, who she today said had "anger issues".

Holmes, the daughter of Dr Hinemoa Elder and late broadcaster Sir Paul Holmes, has been sharing her story on her YouTube channel about the allegations against her former partner while living in Greece.

"There were warning signs from the start that I chose to ignore because I was so desperate to be happy and to be with someone who made me feel safe - but we've had several fights in the year we've been together and they have all escalated to violence," she posted earlier.

She said she decided to post an update because it had been an intense time, especially to post something so significant and then no update for her followers.

She said she was focused on giving her surviving dog, Maui, some routine after the sudden death of her other dog, Miko, but also shared some stark vulnerabilities and admissions after breaking up with her partner.

"I'm focused on trying to give him routine and also myself to wake up early in the morning and take him out and all of that sort of stuff which is a little bit hard because I have also started some self-destructive behaviours.

"I have started drinking and smoking quite a lot. I can't sleep... I have been clenching my teeth so hard for almost a week now and I just feel sometimes like I can't quite process what is going on.

"I'm still in a little bit of shock.

She said she was trying to look after herself the best that she could but admitted she was struggling but that that was normal.

"I have a space, I feel very lucky that I have the resources to leave and to come to such a homely place. I have been nesting for the past four days and making my home feel really like my place."

She had been speaking to her mother every day which had been helping, she said.

"Obviously this is a f****** shitty situation but it's not the shittiest situation that I've ever been through, so I know I'm going to be okay.

"It doesn't mean that it's any less traumatic but I'm dealing with it."

Holmes said the situation had shown her that she needed to learn more about herself and she felt like she had been repeating "harmful" cycles in her life which she knew was about teaching herself a lesson.

"I want to never be in this situation again so I want to change. I want to put boundaries for myself and follow my own f****** advice and not put another person's needs before my own like that ever again.

"I need to be harder on myself and wake the f*** up and be selfish and look after me. I have allowed this situation to continue and that was on me and I don't ever want it to happen again so I am trying to grow as a person from this."

Holmes said there was so much "curated, happy stuff on the internet and life is not like that sometimes".

"Life's f****** ugly sometimes and i feel that we should be real about it because it is, what it is."

She was grateful for all the support she had received but was also shocked that there were still people making "excuses for men and their shitty behaviour".

"It's really scary that it's 2019 and this kind of shit is still going on. It's just making me think, who is raising these men? Like how are these men getting like this?"

She hoped that by speaking out about what has happened it would help other women or men to gain the strength to also escape their violent partners.

"I want people to know that this shit is still going on in 2019 and that it's not okay and I'm not here for it and I'm not going to put up with it."

Holmes moved to Greece following the death of Paul Holmes, and the murder of her partner of seven years, Connor Morris.DO YOU NEED HELP?
If you're in danger now:

  • Phone the police on 111 or ask neighbours of friends to ring for you.
    • Run outside and head for where there are other people.
    • Scream for help so that your neighbours can hear you.
    • Take the children with you.
    • Don't stop to get anything else.
    • If you are being abused, remember it's not your fault. Violence is never okay

Where to go for help or more information:

  • Shine, free national helpline 9am- 11pm every day - 0508 744 633 www.2shine.org.nz
    • Women's Refuge: Free national crisis line operates 24/7 - 0800 refuge or 0800 733 843 www.womensrefuge.org.nz
    • Shakti: Providing specialist cultural services for African, Asian and middle eastern women and their children. Crisis line 24/7 0800 742 584
    • It's Not Ok: Information line 0800 456 450 www.areyouok.org.nz


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