Should one or two of the record number of cruise ship passengers expected to arrive on Dunedin shores this season see fit to deploy the jump suit, manage to tie their own shoelaces and disembark their floating city, they may be pleasantly surprised.

After all, the buffet will always be there - and it's most likely being re-stocked with some of the fine wares on offer from what is widely considered New Zealand's best Farmers Market.

PHOTOS: Check out all of our photos of Dunedin and Otago here!

But our portly friends from abroad should be discouraged from entering the Northern precinct of the city - nothing but tumbleweeds and the odd-sticky-fingered thief in those parts... It's to be expected when 20-odd thousand university students up and leave en masse for the summer months, leaving behind stereos, TVs, cars and pet cats in the wonderfully naive belief they'll all be there when they return next year. The stereos and TVs are usually gone, courtesy of the aforementioned sticky-fingered folk, while the cats have multiplied to form a great legion of straggly unwanted feralness, fighting and scrapping for old McDonald's wrappers and broken glass.

Our touristy mates could head south - but there's very few people who voluntarily venture into South Dunedin.

I suppose that leaves East and West - can't really figure that out - so it's best to head to the centre... yes, the good ol' Octagon!  Have a coffee, a bite to eat! Perhaps do some shopping, check out the award-winning fashion yadda yadda yadda... get a plastic tartan or one of those stupid Scottish hats with the tufts of ginger hair protruding from the bottom. (Voluntary ginger hair - the ultimate oxymoronic behaviour!)  Even better, go and do the Speight's Tour - that should be on every visitor's list.  You can also do a Cadbury tour to keep the kids and the missus happy... In fact, send them on the Cadbury tour while you do the Speight's tour! Genius! Be sure to try the cider - outstanding.

You could also head out to the Peninsula - there's penguins and albatrosses (albatri?) and there's a castle too - built by a wealthy politician in the 1870s who ended up taking his own life at Parliament after his business empire collapsed and he found out his favourite son was doing to his young wife what he obviously wasn't! Nothing like a bit of historical scandal to add authenticity to the castle experience.

For the more agile visitor, there's a myriad of outstanding walks and beaches to be enjoyed, as well as the Botanic Garden. And, it is nothing short of a crime to come this close to paradise and not head inland from the provincial capital to the stunning Central Otago - a land of sun-drenched vineyards with lake vistas and snowcapped mountains - as close to heaven on earth as you get.  Happy sailing.

By Dominic George - Newstalk ZB's Dunedin reporter

Photo: DunedinNZ.com

What do you love about Otago? Email your stories and photos to [email protected]