ON AIR: Heather du Plessis-Allan Drive

4p.m. - 7p.m.

Martin Devlin's guide to the Australian Open

Author
Martin Devlin,
Section
Video,
Publish Date
Thursday, 17 January 2019, 2:51p.m.

A list of things that will definitely happen at the Ozzie Tennis Open.

 - Some people will complain about the heat.

- Other people, while acknowledging the 38 deg stifling temperatures. I will remind those people that this happens round about the same time every year, it's called summer.

-Nick Krygios will make an early exit once again disappointing his legion of home fans. Oh, that's right, he already has.

-Bernard Tomic will make an early exit once again disappointing his legion of home fans. Oh, that's right, he already has.

-Some Richard Head in the crowd will take along a sign saying "Marry Me Caroline" aimed obviously at Ms Caroline Wozniacki. This idiot will also believe he's the first and only moron ever to do this.

-The stadium DJ, aka Richard Head, will play "Sweet Caroline" during at least one of her post-match interviews. This oxygen thief will also believe he's the first and only knob ever to do this.

-Meanwhile a whole group of Richard Heads all dressed in yellow will stand every 10 minutes to bore everyone with another rendition of "Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie, Oi Oi Oi". These tossers genuinely believe they are the first ever geniuses to ever do this. While everyone else around them just wishes they could be deported alongside that lovable Liverpool family who visited our shores recently. In fact, be honest, who didn't naturally assume they were from Queensland anyway?

-Someone else will moan about the heat.

-Serena will wear something on-court that only Serena could ever wear. Leaving many of us wondering, and hoping, that Wimbledon has ditched its all-whites-only policy because that green jumpsuit would look right nice next to centre-court's natural grass growth.

-And finally, if Serena wins title #24 and clinches the record, not a single solitary gripe will be heard from her about prejudice, sexism, racism, patronising male attitudes, injustice, oppressive slave-masters or umpires either on-court or off.

Although she may mention the heat...

ON AIR: Heather du Plessis-Allan Drive

4p.m. - 7p.m.